The Jammy Blog

Second Life

2009-02-09T11:41:00.005Z

In a flash of inspiration it's come to me, you should be able to exchange your life for another. Now I'm not talking about whacking some pubbie amd stealing his identity, more being able to transfer your life to another area.

OK, not very clear, I play an MMPORG called Eve Online, and have done for the last 5 years or more. Wouldn't it be cooler if you could transfer your existence into that game environment? Sure, downtimes sould be a PITA as you'd suddenly lost all knowledge, or you could always work your schedules around 23 hours per day, but how cool would it be to be sipping mohitas on the bridge of your spacecraft, or banging that bit of tail in second life - whatever floats your boat really, but, instead of having to switch off and go back to the drudge of work, stay there with your countless billions with hot and cold running exotic dancers.

Yeah OK, it's kind of childish escapism - here's one that isn't.

Employers should allow all long-term workers to have a 6-month break. I was thinking about it this morning. I've been in gainful employment since the age of 16, and have another 25 useful years to an employer. Truth is I'm fucking knackered and could really do with a break. Sure, it's a bit whiney and shit, but, think about it. Half way through your productive working life, you should get a nice holiday, I mean fuck me, students get to do it in Uni and they're only there a few years, I've been doing this shit for nearly 25.

Then you can happily come back to work for the next couple of decades knowing you've had a riot for 6 months, nah, fuck it, make it a year. I'll happily piss away a year of retirement for a year off now. Seriously. It's not like I'm planning on doing anything when I retire except maybe smelling slightly of piss and getting drunk lots.

Discuss.

Quote of the day..

2009-02-04T14:11:00.002Z

Jammy: Some of these users need a good shake.

Grimster: Yeah - like Baby P

MANGA HEAD!

2009-02-03T11:17:00.003Z

I'm growing fur on my head.

It's true and something I've not done for 20 odd-years but does have the advantage of indicating what an old fart I'm becoming with lots of grey coming out - gawd - anyone would think I was properly old.

So - I was thinking of going MANGA! I've sworn not to cut it for a year - mainly because I can and have limited options for new years resolutions not being a smoker anymore (just over 4 years tab-free) so was thinking along the lines of "Super Saiyan" manga-head peroxide blonde.
How compatible this will be with the office working environment I'm not sure as the only person in the history of the company to be so radical with hair-colouring was Kimbo, and that was a reddish-brown on black and not that noticeable, in fact he was the one in the office with any fashion sense at all outside the "creative" advertising department.... Until he pissed his rep away when he traded down from a Lexus to a Subaru of course.

My only worry is once I do it I'll need to either keep doing it - or cut it all off again...

Mid-life crisis? You bet!

Rude-emoticons

2009-02-02T16:01:00.002Z

So while shamelessly wasting company time and chatting up my workmates, we stumbled across a nice collection of rude-emoticons. You're all familiar with the internet standard :) :( :P >:( type things. But we took it to another level. While some have been done before, we we're very proud of ourselves non the less.

( . )( . ) = boobs

( o )( o ) = boobs that are happy to see you

(_|_) = bottom

(_o_) = experienced bottom

(_0_) = FinFL bottom (private joke)

(_*_) = morning after bottom

(|) = Front bum

( Y ) = Front bum MrkII

<======3 = wang

~~~~~<======3 = very happy wang

And as if this debauchery wasn't bad enough, we then started on the rude maths. Oh yes, but I’ll leave that to your imagination!

Post your own, via comments!

Holy back from the dead Batman!!

2009-02-02T15:41:00.002Z

Jesus Christ riding a unicycle, its been bloody ages since we posted anything on here. Today i get a google spam mail telling me some fucknut (*looks at grim) has resent me my password. Hint-iddy-hint-hint!

So here i am, once again polluting your minds with my disgraceful spelling, substandard grammar foul mouthed, twisted humour posting!! Fucking A!

You'll all be glad to know that during my sabbatical i have become even more of a interwebs meme machine, so expect me to be posting lolcats, mudkips and generally being in your base killing your dudes.

It'll take a while for me to warm up. In the meantime, have some Foamy to remind you all of my awesome rants!

Sno-Way!

2009-02-02T14:35:00.002Z

Yeah - Cheesy but WTF is wrong with this shitty country - a little bit of frozen precipitation and the whole world goes to shit.
This is where I should be whining on about "when I was a lad it was proper snowy" - which it was etc. but it seems we've forgotten totally how to travel in cold conditions.

I was in Iceland just over a year ago, proper ice storms 'n everything and there was dudes going around eating ice-cream from a shop there called snaeland! Now that's hardcore! In Finland you can't pass your driving test unless you've done proper skid-pan training.

We suck hard.

Awesome video of the day

2009-01-29T14:36:00.001Z

CBA posting today - so you just get this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6FmSRvdM0A

Awesome video of the day

2009-01-28T17:12:00.001Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgdyBvHdNKY

Enjoy.

Fuck You Shiela's Wheels!

2009-01-28T11:46:00.006Z

Over the past couple of months when the weather has been particularly crappy I've been hitching a lift into work from Mrs. Grim, primarily because I've forsaken 4 wheels and banished cars from my ownership.

Often I find the need to amuse myself whilst on the log-jammed crappily phased traffic light junctions, to do so I tend to focus on how shit other people are at driving. This started innocently enough with, "oh look - that lady doesn't appear to know the dimensions of her vehicle and is tentatively creeping around the side of the bus with a 12-foot gap to her left stopping up all the traffic behind her" but quickly degenerated to me shouting "COCK-JOCKEY!!" and whinnying like a horse whilst bouncing up and down on my seat holding imaginary reigns.

Quite how this progression came about I'm not really sure, but I found it amusing - unlike my better half who scowls her displeasure at me.

Anyway I digress - an upshot of this is I make a "pretend" mark on the dashboard - one when a male driver does something particularly stupid, another when a female driver does the same.
The rules are - Mrs. Grim has to ignore my virtual galloping on the passenger seat and pass comment herself on the proficiency of the other cage pilot, I then note whether it's a lady or a chap.

Fact. Women are shit drivers - over a deeply scientific study of 2 months - women doing silly things on the road outweigh men 8 to 2.

Now it might just be that we happen to take a route that is heavily populated by women taking their little precious to school at that particular time in the chelsea tractor - but I'd like to think that we pass through a good slice of the daily commuting population confirming what most blokes have known for many years.

Fuck you Sheila's Wheels.

GPS Magic

2009-01-28T11:17:00.004Z

I'm perpetually obsessed with GPS devices. Here's a tip for all you tomtom owners who might want to use Google maps to plot iteneraries.

http://www.houghi.org/tomtom/

Plot your route in Google maps - this has a new feature where you can pull your directions around - properly awesome.

Go to that site and paste the map link.

Retreive resulting tomtom itinerary.

Profit!

Why can't the manufacturers of these things pick this up? Easily accessible online route mapping for the win.

Charging - my arse

2009-01-28T10:18:00.002Z

Congestion charging in Manchester.

HA! Take that bitches!

I profess to not really caring, when the original bumph about the congestion charge for Manchester came in I was all WTF because there was absolutely no mention of motorcycles which annoyed me a little, so much so I drafted a letter to Manchester transport pointing out that as motorcycles are statistically a non-congesting form of transport they may want to consider a change of title from "congestion charge" to "tax".

A month or two later the next flurry of self-promoting for this tax dropped through the door and motorcycles were exempt from the charge - much better for me, but you've pissed me off now and I'm voting against.

This was a fine example of our "leaders" being totally out of touch to the wants of the common bloke in the street, to spend so much money planning and promoting something that plainly wasn't wanted in the first place is a flagrant abuse of the tax pound, it'd be nice if they had to pay the fucking lot back from their own wallets - that'd get them out asking people before making idiot decisions but there are no penalties. The 3 no-voting councils should be patted on the back.

Hint: People are getting pissed off with being your cash-cows - stop milking.

Bastards.

Sorry about your train station Jammy - no bacon butties for you!

Duuhhh absolutely basically......

2009-01-27T23:29:00.004Z

What the hell is going on with the English language at the moment. Now I'll never profess to be a mental giant in my grammar and vocabulary but WTF??!!

I was watching the news the other day - yeah I know it's drab and grey - but every person they spoke to in the street came out with the word "basically" at least 5 times whilst trying to explain something and the word "absolutely" appears to have replaced "yes"

STOP! It's basically absolutely a-fucking-nnoying.

And please don't get me on about what passes for "popular music" these days - and there it goes - that comment just made me officially an old twat.

Shit.

Basically I'm off to fucking sulk.

Absolutely.

Back from the dead...

2009-01-27T22:49:00.006Z

And fuck it - I'm gonna post for a bit I think, having remembered my password for this infernal area I thought it was about time I posted something whilst shooting POS in EvE (if you've ever done fleet POS ops then you know what hell this can be).

So what's new?

Well, it's definately been a while - the baby Puggs was referring to is now at university reading ancient eastern languages apart from that- not much - got a couple of new bikes which is nice, went to Denmark on my Buell XB12s - which was a blast (literally) and then got rid of the bike for a Honda VFR and heard 3 weeks later that the Buell had thrown a crank bolt or somesuch - oh well....

Newsflash - I've become sociable. It's true - I'm often seen at the works monthly swaree, often inebriated and full of curry. Things are pretty OK at the moment.

Just noticed the image is referring to the EU Constitution - remember - that's the thing the great British public were promised a referendum on until 'ol wobblegob Broon got his greasy mitts on the thing. But this isn't a rant post - more a hello - welcome and expect some ranting.

Toodle pip.

Update This, Update That

2007-12-28T11:20:00.000Z

Just thought I'd throw a little tantrum on here while I'm not so busy. Reason I'm not so busy is because all fuckin morning my laptop has be spitting out little speech bubbles, saying update available for this, update available for that, and each fuckin one of em wants me to restart my laptop, some don't even give me an option, it's either restart or do fuck all...

And to top it all off I come on blogger to rant and WTF I get another speech bubble telling me blogger now saves your drafts automatically. If your gonna piss users off you should do it proper, if find a good old windows alert box does the job no end!!! And if I see any of those today I may go postal...

Where’s my bloody baby??

2007-12-21T12:40:00.000Z

Well short answer, where I left him I guess. But its not funny anymore, at the time of writing he’s wedged firmly between my wife’s pelvic bones (I vaguely recall where this is and what it felt like) and is showing no sign what so ever of making the last mad dash for the exit.

The little Puggster is now 5 days overdue and showing a total disinterest in the outside world. Even after the butch, rug munching midwife went elbows deep and tried to fetch him out by his ears the little git still won’t budge. (And the wife wouldn’t even let me watch, ftl)

So here I am, back in work without even the remotest chance of a pissup over Christmas due to being on 24 hour standby. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, come out you little shit!! I tired of waiting!!

One word work review

2007-12-19T16:06:00.001Z

Todays one word work review is:

FuckingChristmasCards!

Is it really christmas?

2007-12-19T09:10:00.000Z

Don't you just love the weather!

Check this weather report

Happy Teeth

2007-12-18T14:22:00.000Z

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that the dental profession has to promote it's wares as being "Fun"?
Whenever you look for anything on the web dental related you are presented with "Fun Dental Facts" which on the face of it could be good but are in reality shit.

There are only 10 of these "fun" facts in the world, most of which really are not "fun".
Example - "Did you know 85% of halitosis sufferers have a dental issue causing the problem"?

WTF - when was that a "fun fact"? For me fun facts usually involve but not restricted to such things as bisexual Norse goddesses munching rug and me or Eve Online Trinity, not the current percentage of people with bad breath.

The actual reality is that it's a bloody and horrid place to have to go if you've not looked after yourself and need real treatment.

And of course we're assuming you can actually get a NHS dentist - I couldn't but it was probably the best move I ever made to be pushed into going private, treated like the esquire I in fact am, nothing is too much bother and I swear the hygenist lass has a special kinky "nurse dress" just especially for private patients - raawwwwlll.

You know the type - brunette tied up hair, glasses, she'll sweep them off and her hair falls out and she licks her lips.... afk a min - need the bog...

Aehm.... anyway... Sure - the bill is horrific but it's in their interest to coax you through the door as they can earn 3 times what they do with the NHS faceless factory slots, recommended A+++! All healthcare should work on the same have and have nots basis.

I guess it does - glad work has a BUPA plan.

Win.

Don't do it!

2007-12-17T21:00:00.000Z

DO NOT under ANY circumstances google "2 Girls 1 Cup"

Seriously, unless you never wanna see another chocolate fudge sundae again.

NOT WORKSAFE - Don't do it!

Uh-Oh

2007-12-16T20:02:00.000Z

Just found my logon.....

More soon (TM)

Where is the......

2007-12-13T10:15:00.001Z

FOOKING LOVE?????

Why am i the only one posting fucktards?

2007-12-12T17:59:00.001Z

Well?

How true!

2007-12-12T13:42:00.000Z

Journey of a Man: Our destiny

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

2007-12-10T12:53:00.000Z

Jesus! It's only 1pm and I’m already clock watching. Its all my own fault, having stayed up to watch the Ricky Hatton fight on Sunday morning I spent all over Sunday daytime in bed nursing a nice little hangover, now I’ve been up all night again trying to encourage the missus to go into labour so i could start my paternity leave in time for the Christmas break. As a result I’m totally zombied with a pile of work to do. I think it might be time for some evasive manoeuvres. I used to book myself into a meeting room and go to sleep on the desk. But this place being ‘open office’ I guess I better pass on that one. I can already hear the steady humming of the server room calling me…

Do they know it's Christmas?

2007-12-07T14:54:00.000Z

Well, I've just clocked over 12 months living down under. Normally this time of year I'm used to the dark, grim, wet and cold weather of Manchester. Yet now I'm getting used to the oven like days of hot and baking temperatures. It just doesn't feel like christmas out here! Houses have christmas decorations but the god damm sun is beaming down. WTF are people doing wearing santa hats with there speedos and bikinis (Actually the sheilas dont look too bad!)? Am I sounding like a whinging pom? Nah not me... give me the sun anyday FTMFW! Just thought I'd let you guys know the weather is not bad down here ;-)

Don't forget to Slip Slop Slap!!!

Yahtzee!!

2007-12-07T14:51:00.001Z

If you're anything at all like me you're sick to death of reading the same sycophantic reviews of computer games, all of which seem to contract some kind of mass ass-licking hysteria every time the new FOTM game comes out (see Halo 3, yawn!) So it's a breath of fresh air to listen to the reviews of Yahtzee, a 'British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder.'

This guys constant deluge of rant makes me laugh out loud in the middle of my office and look like a complete twat, as opposed to the partial one i am normally. Enjoy!

Linkage

Not going down without a fight....

2007-12-07T14:08:00.000Z

...oh yes he is!

Watch this pretty amazing video as a couple of cops chase down a guy wanted for multiple shootings. The dodgy 'america's most wanted' voice-over is cringable up until the comedy gold moment right at the very end.

Holy Google Research Batman!!

2007-12-07T13:41:00.000Z

My password still works! I am a happy chap!

Well thats not 100% true. There was a brief moment of tin-foil-hattery as I realised that Google will now have a detailed knowledge of all my internets rambling in addition to their vast and undoubtedly disturbing knowledge of my search habbits. But then I thought ‘hey, at least its not facebook!’

Besides, I’d like to see them customise adverts directly into my internets-box based on the marketing research I’ve provided them with over the years. I don’t think they’ve got the grapes!

Anyway, I’m here for a reason. Once again I have made an attempt to rally the troops and get this old blog back up and running. Watch this space and expect to see some more random profanity, verbal rantage, poor spelling/grammar, NSFW and links to the deepest, darkest, most forgotten parts of the internet.

Cya soon! 0/

OHNOEZ!

2007-05-02T11:21:00.000+01:00

Just for Kimbo's last comment:

RAWR!

The Build

2007-04-29T14:21:00.000+01:00

OK, so it's been a while but I've been ill.

I said I was gonna let you in on my magical PC build - the one I bought pissed in Drunk FTW - well here's a list of the items I bought for starters:

Gigabyte 3D Aurora Silver Full Tower Case
Intel Core 2 Duo E6600 2.40GHz 1066FSB LGA775 4MB cache
Asrock Dual VSTA motherboard
Yeah I know - Asrock, but I got one of their boards to replace the Gigabyte one I had that fell on it's arse, flawless tbh. Prolly not the fastest thing on the planet, but it'll do.
2Gb OCZ DDR2 PC2-5400 Value Series CL5 Dual Channel kit
Gigabyte i-RAM Ram Disk Max 4GB Memory 1600Mhz back up battery
Samsung Syncmaster 226BW Widescreen 2ms LCD
GeForce 7900GS 256 PCI-E (yeah not the latest graphics, but no slouch either).

So I started off with all my old stuff, drained and took out the existing Gigabyte water cooling kit, 10K WD Raptor and my Soundblaster Audigy, as I would be reusing that stuff in the new box.

The build was pretty simple and I was glad that I'd saved all the CPU mounts for the water cooling kit, I was coming from a socket 478 to this new-fangled core-2 stuff, so the cradle supplied with the kit was well required, no real problems there.
The Gigabyte case is supposed to be a complimentary part of the Gigabyte accessories range, and this was half the reason I got this specific case, because it has mounting holes for the Gigabyte water cooling system, and rubbers for the cooling pipes to pass through the case, well sure, you can use the mounting holes, just so long as you have absolutely no cards plugged into your mainboard. I ended up having to mount the water cooling pump and reservoir in the area the case toolbox would normally be just below the IDE drive mountings, and mound the hard drive in the 3.5" floppy drive bay.

So I mounted the mainboard in the new case, well straightforward as expected, CPU in it's slot with the neat fold over the top bracket.
Coolermaster thermal compound slarted on and the cooling block fitted, all nice and together.
I'd previously gone to e-bay and bought a couple of meters of new tubing and to overclockers for some water additive/dye for the distilled water.

Got some sticky velcro and stuck the cooling res and pump to the chosen location, routed pipework and mounted the radiator on the back of the case, then took it off so it can bleed once piped.
Cut, clamped and fitted pipework, wired everything into place, and filled the reservoir. The cooling kit has an auto off function if your coolant gets too low, so you need to switch it on a few times, refilling the reservoir as you go.

Started it up and let it run checking for leaks before adding cards.

Next fitted all the cards and switched on.

XP threw a track, wouldn't get past the AGP DLL check.

Luckily I'd had the foresight to back up my system before indulging in this madness so it wasn't really an issue, re-installed the drive from CD and put all my junk back where it was.

The Gigabyte i-RAM was bought specifically to be my Eve Online cache directory, so a lil' bit of config later and that was all working to satisfaction.

I now have an eve client that runs at about 145 FPS in space and about 115 or so in fleet - OMFG!

I already had stuff like the Razer Habu and Logitech G15 keyboard.

Anyway - some pics:

Outrage in the 1970's over "missing" bear.

2007-04-23T16:45:00.000+01:00

Outraged! Was the reaction from the now deceased President Pinochet of Peru on learning that one of his citizens was being held in London possibly against their own will, in the mid 1970's.*

In truth it turns out to be a pretty unbelieveable story thus:
A bear bearing the label "Wanted on voyage" and the note "Please look after this bear. Thank You" loitering around on the platform of Paddington Station is pretty ludicrous - even more so were you to approach said unfettered bear let along take it on the bus home.

Surely you'd call the RSPCA assuming that the police hadn't already shot this potentially feral bear for chewing on commuters in the station.

Although fashionably clad in a large stoved in black (not red like this crappy image) hat and duffel coat (like as if - if you're in a duffel coat it's a taken you have a wooly hat) even more unbelieveable is the fact this bear speaks without a hint of any discernable South American accent at all, implying that either this bear is in fact a native of this land or possibly expensively schooled here. All of this coupled with a marmalade fetish that must have been picked up in Spain perhaps, what in the blazes would prompt you to take the frickin' thing home rather than pop it over to lost property?
It wasn't even a good guard-bear to be honest (but a cool idea - guard bears ftw), invariably getting into a muddle/making a mess with aforementioned marmalade that some poor sod would have to clean up.

*dramatization - may not have actually happened.

Best Website Ever!

2007-04-05T19:10:00.001+01:00

CLICK ME

USBO

2007-03-28T09:41:00.000+01:00

Another entry from the USBO, it turns out that being kicked in the head can give your brain damage!

Well who would have thunk it???

2007-03-23T08:59:00.000Z

Coming for you!

Don’t birthdays piss you off?? It's bad enough that you have to endure one yourself where everyone who supposedly cares for you decides to take the opportunity to remind you that you're a year closer to death by sending you cards with gift voucher for shops you don't shop at in. But enduring other peoples is just taking the Mickey! I mean what’s it all about, the whole 'it’s his/her birthday' get out clause that allows people to inflict themselves on you in the most inconvenient manor?

"You’ve got to come, it’s her birthday"

"I know you don’t like the music in that club and it’s full of cunts, but it’s his birthday"

"I know you’re allergic to seafood but it’s her birthday"

"I know you’ve just had open-heart surgery, but it’s her birthday!"

FUCK OFF!!

And as if that's bad enough once you get into a long term relationship you have to start enduring birthdays for peoples who aren’t even in your monkeysphere! There’s nothing like sitting down for a meal with 4 other couples who you don’t know to make your evening fly! Especially when the females (who all know each other and have conspired secretly to put you in this situation in the first place) start 'popping some shapes' on the dance floor and leave you to attempt to make conversation with the other poor rejects left drinking in the corner. So of course you end up getting twated on Stella to pass the time and then have to endure a weekend of stony silence for ‘Showing her up in front of her friends’.

I mean it’s not your fault no one appreciated you’re talking anus trick, is it??

Birthdays! Fuck em!

Please tell me...... WHY????

2007-03-21T11:07:00.000Z

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
7. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
8. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
9. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
10. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
11. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
12. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
13. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
14. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
15. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
16. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
18. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
19. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -if they're okay, then it's you!

It's hot down here!

2007-03-14T06:36:00.000Z

We're in Autumn season down under however temperatures are still reaching 40 odd degrees! Look at what happened to the ice cream van!

Pimp my BBQ!!!!

2007-03-14T06:35:00.000Z

Should I get one of these for my house?

You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!!!!

2007-03-12T17:40:00.000Z

Don’t you just hate brown nosing little cunts??

It was a slow day on the ranch on Saturday, the Puggster had just returned from 2 days of moving house only to discover that no one at the company had been paid on Friday. Moral was at an all time low and our always unpopular 3hr Saturday shift was about as welcome as George Bush jr riding a Harley Davidson through a Mosque.

So in true BOFH style I decided it was time for some 'Network Downtime'. One mouse click later and the 12 members of staff whom actually bothered to turn up for work are sitting in a huddle in the centre of the room swapping jokes and answering general knowledge questions from our big office quiz book. All is happy in the world and 30 minutes later they return to the phones happier and more productive than they were before.

So how shocked was I to discover that some conniving little tramp’s-cock sucker has had the tenacity to grass us up for it! Little fucker was happy enough to sit watching his (or her) arse grow with the rest of us, but went running off to earn themselves a brown star from one of the higher ups as soon as they could.

This whole situation pissed me off even more due to the fact that I came in a hour early to open up so two of the aforementioned higher ups could take the day off at the same time.

So needless to say when I catch the little scamp (and I will catch him, I am IT and I know all) he’s going to discover the true cost of upsetting the IT staff, especially when 90% of inbound calls get diverted to his work station and a routine inspection show’s some truly shocking material in his Internet Explorer cache!

NSFW for the win!!!

Drunk FTW!

2007-03-10T20:57:00.000Z

OK, OK, Kimbo's post has been at the top of this page long enough for me to feel compelled to write something.
I Did a thing that I've not done since being married (believe me that's been a long long time) last night, (no - not got laid you mucky twats) the reality is I got really really drunk. Whilst being in a state of inebriation it appears that I spent the best part of 500 quid purchasing PC components.
Having only a vague recollection of sizing up the price of some new PC stuff, whilst her indoors was watching some murder flick (destiny calling?) so you can imagine in my hungover state the feeling of creeping dread I felt whilst picking up my e-mail this morning, worse still, having to go and tell Mrs. Grimster that I'd spent most of the cash in the bank account on PC gear. Well as you can see by my portrait here I'm still breathing and I'll report on how the build goes later on this week :)

It's been a while!

2007-03-04T10:01:00.000Z

G'day you young hoons (or should that be bogans? or some other terms that the Aussies would use!) I thought I'd make an effort or else I'd be called a slacker for not contributing!

Life down under is certainly rosier (and hotter!) than Manchester. Time has flown since I made the big move down under. Anyway enough of the crap and on to some interesting things. As a newbie to the country, I have noticed one or two differences (and myths) to the Aussie way.

1. Back in the UK, we'd say "... throw a shrimp on the barbie!". I've been to a number of BBQ's and there have been no signs of any shrimp. What's going on there? Have the Poms got it wrong or do Aussies not like shrimp?

2. Pronounciations. How should "Router" be pronounced? Rawter or Rooter? Also, theres "Data", is it Darta or dayta? Poms say rooter and dayta but Aussies say Rawter and Darta. What's going on there? Someone please clear this up! (NOTE: Apparently a rooter in Aussie terms is to get a shag)

3. Did you know Australia is the biggest exporter of... Skin Cancer! (I don't think I've got it just yet)

Short and sweet I know but that's me done for now as it is 9 hours ahead down here! Keep up the good work fellow Jammy Bloggers and I'll be back soon!

BTW, check out these funky bags!

Best seperation letter ever?

2007-03-02T13:19:00.000Z

ROFLCOPTER!

Had this drop into my inbox yesterday. Comedy gold!

Click me!

GHD? BFD!!!

2007-03-02T09:22:00.000Z

The devils tool!!

'OMG! WTF! BANANAMAN FFS!!' Comes the cry from the Puggster this morning, as he is woken rudely from his slumber by the less than pleasant smell of burning flesh. It seems that my good lady wife (expletive deleted) decided that the end of the bed, inches away from my foot, would be a good place to put her ridiculously expensive GHD hair-strengtheners! And what makes them so expensive you ask? Well that would be the boast that they get hotter, faster than the next leading competitor. Well, I must admit that I have failed to char myself with any of the other leading market products, so in the interests of fairness I can’t really say if that’s true or not. I can however vouch wholeheartedly for there ability to make short work of human flesh!!

Expect my next post to via a secure facility somewhere in very remote part of the UK cos I’m off to continue the product testing on the missus! Will post the results!

Huffing Kittens

2007-03-01T16:16:00.000Z

A recent but disturbing new trend has recently come to my attenion, I felt it my civic duty to share it with everyone.

For more details click here.

By understanding this menace we can identify and stop it before it gets out of control!

Be alert!.

Spit or swallow?

2007-02-28T22:17:00.000Z

"Time is the fire in which we burn"

Now, aside from being one of my favourite quotes of all time, I actually put some serious thought into this at one point. There is a theory that creatures on this planet have a finite number of heartbeats before they expire, same as the warranty on your PC/car/wife etc. as soon as the warranty expires, pop - game over man, game over. Theory as far as I remember says that people should drop dead when they're in their 30's. Now, being well past my mid 30's this worried me for a few seconds, but now I've come up with my own theory....
It is totally in the interests of a western civilisation to flog the guts out of you for as long as possible, you're paying the taxes remember, it'd be silly if your population were all dropping dead by the time they were 40, but, how the hell are we going to get people to live longer?
The answer? Eastenders, Corrie, --"insert name of crappy TV show here"--.
Brainwaves y'see, transmitted through the not-so-fun medium of television "the man" is able to extend your lifecycle by stimulating the part of your brain that counts the number of heartbeats you've used up to forget what it go to, extending your cash-flow into "his" pocketsies, and fuck me we'll charge them for the pleasure at the same time through the "unique" way the BBC is funded.

Cnuts.

Another theory says that it's proof that we're actually aliens, but that's bollocks, if we were aliens, chicken would taste of something.
So remember, next time you're having a cardiac arrest before your brain packs up in your 80's, watch more TV.
Probably.

Things to do when you've got nothing else to do!

2007-02-27T12:52:00.000Z

You could make a model car, plain, train, or like some nutty professors in China you could make your own remote control pigeon????

Yeah you heard me correctly some cheeky chaps in China used micro electrodes implanted in a pigeon's brain to make it fly left, right, up or down. That kind of makes me wonder what other animals would be cool to remote control, MMMmmmm I'll have to think about that one.

Why a pigeon though, Maybe those crafty Chinese remembered how they were used during the wars of old, to send messages etc, maybe they're looking at attaching tactical warheads under the wings and using them as weapons of war. If you want to read more check it out the article I found Chinese Scientists Control Pigeon via Remote Control. AMAZING!

Does Jammy need a diet?

2007-02-25T09:06:00.000Z

Chaps,

Blogging away this morning and it's taking ages... It's not the blogging itself but the view of the Jammy afterwards.. The front page is longer that 10 long things and I'm measuring the load time in Carbon half lives (The half -life of Carbon 14 is 5730 years) rather than seconds..

We've got blog entries going back to the stone age, well May last year anyway. So Jammy Blogmiesters, do we have any options to trim the front page to something more managable autoomagically?? Maybe a couple of months worth.. What do you think chaps?

Meetings make you dumber

2007-02-25T08:55:00.000Z

Meetings make you dumber eh. No shit Sherlock, sounds like something that should be coming from the University of Stating the Bleeding Obvious. I've been trying to avoid meetings for years. What's the point of having management to filter these things out if they then drag you, the people who actually get the jobs done, into the same pointless meetings.. I've lost hours and hours over the last couple of weeks sitting in these brain sapping sessions.. Now it transpires it's actually provable.

OK, so the article doesn't exactly say meetings make you dumber per se, but a large group of people tend to loose their creativity and have a harder time coming up with new ideas.. Sounds like a perfect reason to avoid meetings at all costs to me..

Experts my arse

2007-02-25T08:41:00.000Z

Following on the my Grittish Bass story earlier I have an update but first I need to clear something up. Anyone know what the definition of an Expert is? Let me break it down for you :-

"Ex" - A Hasbeen
"Spert" - A drip under pressure

So, the Grittish Bass hasbeen drip under pressure was round as you know to look at our central heating nightmare and he decides we need to spend a fortune on something that's not covered under the Grittish Bass warranty. My Arse, says I.... We have heating working so well we ended up opening the windows last night to cool the place down again and it's all down to balance. I wont bore you all with the details but suffice to say the house is yet again toasty warm and no thanks to the hasbeen drip under pressure.

Hang Over Study

2007-02-24T15:30:00.000Z

Just sat at home feeling shitty cos I had a skin full last night (no sick though)

Question: Does any one have any good hang over cures?

Because I DJ every weekend in a local pub I find it extremely hard not to drink on a regular basis (not a bad thing I know) however, I never no when to stop and very often end up feeling like a dirty drunken Scotsman.

So, I have decided to take any ideas you might have to get rid of these nasty weekend mornings, test them and post back the results on the blog for all to see.

Please leave all ideas in the comments, I will start my study next weekend so be sure to check back for the results

Rasterbation!

2007-02-23T00:05:00.000Z

Ever wanted to create HUGE posters of images you already have?
Imagine, the photoshopped Kirsten Dunst .jpg "spreading pink" for you that still resides on your drive printed out over 10 X 10 A4 sheets.

Which leads me into the software in question, with the unlikely name of the "Rasterbator" this totally free software is just the thing for you.

Pop over to this linky

Have fun

USBO

2007-02-22T18:26:00.000Z

OK, I've decided to create a new regular spot to the Jammyblog, the University of Stating the Bleeding Obvious (USBO).

It seems that the Office for National Statistics had a bit too much budget left coming up to April and decided to commission some research (on behalf of the USBO) that suggest non other than the idea that Scottish people drink more than regular people!!!

OMFG WTF BANANAMAN!!!!!

I never knew that, good job that some tax payer money was spent finding out this very important fact, I can sleep soundly now I know this.

But wait! It's not over yet, the USBO have also discovered that young girls from under-privileged areas are four times more likely to get fucked in a bus shelter and fall pregnant! Apparently its even worse if you take into account girls under the age of 16!!

Well knock me down with a feather if I didn’t know that!!

More from the USBO as it comes in. In the meantime I'm off to the nearest council estate to find a run down bus shelter, presuming Jamie hasn't beaten me to it.

Retro cool?

2007-02-21T21:05:00.000Z

I just have to lol at the current wave of total tat that appears to be "time tunneling" it's way forward from that most unfortunate era in our history - "The 70's".

For example, did anyone go to school on a space-hopper? My own father used to tell me that my grandad - a working class Manc born and bred - used to berate him for wanting a bike to go to school on, and suggest he go to school on his "fucking hoop and stick" lol.
Apart from being a rather unfortunate nickname for a lady of less than good looks, the spacehopper was frackin' useless. You'd travel like 5 feet on one (15 feet travelled - mostly backwards) in the space of 10 minutes of frantic "bouncing" whilst at the same time performing feats of balance worthy of a seasoned tightrope walker, just to stay on the thing.

Another victim of this fad is the Raleigh Chopper.
Now - when I was a kid - I REALLY wanted one of those, never got one - they were too expensive, I mean what more could you ask for, small front wheel, big back, sturmey archer 3-speed on a monkey chain, it was for me the Ferrari of pushbikes. The crowning glory of the bike was the kickass gearchange, smack bang in the middle of the frame with a proper gearchange handle - just like an automatic car.

The 21st century version, although cosmetically similar has become the bastard son of it's father, the coolest gearchange ever has become a victim of the dreaded H&S Executive, because people can't be responsible for their own actions these days and need to be wrapped in fluffy nice smelling foamy softness, the gearchange has gone. Bike's lost it's magic for me.

Why do we crave the stuff we had as kids? Did we lose something or have things moved on too quickly?
Wonder what the next thing to make a comeback from the 70's is going to be? The 3 day working week? (the reason I never got my fucking chopper) The summer of discontent? (well, the way the current government appears to be mis-managing everything from peerages to road fund pricing may just see that one happen for real) Hot summers and snowy winters? The complete and utter disregard for any kind of fashion sense?

When I was a kiddy I was always told in school (in the freaky mid 70's by the way) "We'll be taking holidays on the moon by the year 2000". I guess Stelios missed out on that one, but the fact remains, the 70's - when we come to look at the big picture - was fucking crap, much like a good deal of the retro crap* being churned out by lazy bastard product development departments.

*with the exception of LED watches - because they're just plain cool - and I have one.

Grittish Bass

2007-02-21T20:08:00.000Z

Shhh, it's bad karma to say it out loud...

So, there we are, being good householders and wanting to take care of our rather expensive investment.... so we signing up for plumbing and central heating cover.. great.

Round popped the nice man from Grittish Bass and gave us a clean bill of health. So we're covered right? Well, not entirely. Yes, we are covered but there's a rather large list of things that aren't covered (actually, 'er indoors says I have to say there's only about 3 things that aren't covered but who believes her anyway). You know, stuff that's part of your heating system that you would expect to be covered but would actually cost more than a cople of quid for Grittish Bass to cover...

So of course the first problem we have and have to call them out and it's one of those pesky things on the list.. We seem to have a blockage. Yep, something as simple as a blockage and it's not covered. "No problem" says Mr Bass.. " We can organise a super turbo power flush of the whole system for £500"... OMHW WTF BBQ.. 500 squigglies to shove a presure washer in the radiators.. The misses says there's also chemicals involved.. I think they've been drinkin their own chemicals. £500 !!!!!!!! my arse...

So it's down to me and daddy DIY......

Will blog the impending flood and cut finger pictures as they happen..

I'm a lumberjack?

2007-02-20T21:13:00.000Z

So recently at our place of gainful employment we've been going through a sudden glut of "eco-friendly mega global conglomarate sure we can be nice to the planet but on our terms" otherwise known as ISO14001, which on the surface appears to be a way to pay your way to an eco-friendly rubber stamp, but that said, it got me thinking about stuff.

Maybe I should turn off the Microwave, I don't really use the clock on it - I never read the frackin' manual to set it and it's always 17 hours out anyway.

Mirth and merriment was to be had by us IT dudes with all the switching off stuff idea, things only ever break when you turn them ON - Dell's gotta be loving it (wonder if they sponsor the ISO14001 standard? Now there's a conspiracy theory for yah).

Anyhoo it appears that a mature tree gobbles up a bazillion kilos of Co2 in it's lifetime - what if I bought a whole woods?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to trade my Co2 emissions and be able to sleep at night knowing that future generations will be just dandy because I bought a patch of woodland in some unknown area of North Wales (prolly get it burned down by those nationalist Welshies anyway) but the kiddy in me immediately came out.

Oh wow - imagine - you could get your mates down there and run about with sticks for tommy guns.. pew pew - you're toast Fritz!

Kipping out under a bivvy and making "creature of the forest" flavour coffee over a campfire made from your own trees.

Rope swings? Tree houses? fuck me the possibilities are almost endless, best of all, you can't get done for it - it's your woods!

So I thought I'd mention it to the wife, kinda casually as you do, convo went something like...

"Hey love - can I have a woods"?
"It'd be great we can sleep at night knowing we've done something to offset the wasteful Western lifestyle we lead, the hours of TV and computer usage, the evil emissions our vehicles make whilst sat queueing on the A628 every morning, I'm not going all eco-hippy but I think we'd be doing ourselves and future generations a great service by ensuring at least one part of this small island we live on remains green".

"Are you taking the piss"?

"Um - yeah - of course I am"

:(

Fleeced (yet again)

2007-02-20T20:13:00.000Z

Argh, I might as well just stick a stupid great sign on top of my head with an arrow pointing to me that reads "Glutton for punishment - please kick"

My lad was listening to Limp Bizkit's "Results may vary" CD, song comes on "Behind Blue Eyes", I goes - wow - I've got the original of that on the old Who LP "Who's Next"

Long story short, I dusted off my record player wired it all up - it used to be part of an old midi system but the old gears long gone, had to rewire stuff with plenty of mad scientist buggering around finally got it working.

Shit, the stylus is shagged.

So I thinks, no probs, will just hop on the intraweb and get a new one rushed to me by Her Majesty's postal service, surely it won't cost more than a couple of quid with postage, after all, there's nothing to it but a bit of plastic and a hollow needle with a point......

28 quid plus postage later.... DOH!

That'd buy me a couple of gigs of pendrive I could have the entire Who discography on.

Finally put the track on, and immediately wished I hadn't... Record's in bog order (I bought it 2nd hand in my teens and played it's ass off then) snap/crackle and indeed pop for the lose.

Wonder what else I can piss money away at? Anyone in touch with any Nigerian Government officials I could drop a line to?

Sickest Site on the Internet - Rate My Poo

2007-02-19T16:54:00.000Z

Hello Folks, a friend of mine (if you can call him that) sent me a URL the other day for probably one of the sickest most revolting websites I have ever seen in my life. The URL of the site pretty much says it all http://www.ratemypoo.com/ If you think you're man or woman enough, get on there and get some ratting done. If you last more than 4 or 5 views you're a very very sick individual.

Happy Surfing, if you know any funny but slightly sick websites let us know...

More profanity from Roger....

2007-02-19T16:17:00.000Z

Titnotised
adj.
To be involuntarily mesmerised by a smashing pair of fun bags.

Addictive little box of tricks

2007-02-19T08:39:00.000Z

A wise man once said....

"Y'know, I pity the fool that gets totally hooked onto his PDA"

OK, maybe not but I'm fast coming to the conclusion that PDA's are filled with drugs that make you fuck about with 'em - often to the detriment of your own personal safety*

OK, so I e-bayed a Palm Lifedrive, with 4 squigglies of onboard hard drive, another 4 up the memory chute and every frickin' little app you can get your head around - including a ripped torrented copy of TomTom.

OH MY GOD!

This thing is totally addictive, I used to sneer at the idiocy of people sitting pointing at a small screen with an inkless pen prodding icons, but I'm a convert, I just hope there's no hard drugs being transmitted into the screen and permiating through the pads of my fingers, though I am starting to wonder..

*As I mentioned I have TomTom on this thing and was on a 300 or so mile round trip over the weekend, combined with a cheap GPS receiver it's a technological marvel, but it has a HUGE drawback.

I've stopped seeing the colour RED.

Seriously, I'm so busy following the sultry instructions of JANE - UK that I appear to be ignoring the most deadly colour of all.

On at least 3 occasions during this trip I almost totalled myself, the car and Mrs. Grimster because of the wooing voice of JANE - UK, forcing me to dismiss the colour red, whether that be the brake lights of the 40-ton articulated lorry 5 feet ahead of you on the motorway or the lights of the pelican crossing, there should be a Government health warning on it.
The machine is scary in other ways, sync it to your work calendar and you actually start to care about where you should be, and when.

I've got to go because It's telling me I have outstanding helpdesk calls to close.

Help.

Roger's Profanisaurus

2007-02-16T18:57:00.000Z

I’ve decided to share with you lovely reader, a few select entries from Roger Profanisauras, which is available from all good bookshops (Please don’t sue me Roger..) and contains perhaps the whitiest words ever known to man.

Back in The Day when we all worked together a copy of the above graced my desk for all to read and have a good chortle at, but now I’m using the mediums of cyber space to do the same.

So without further ado, here is today’s word..

Palmorama
n.
A late night ‘investigative’ report into the American porn industry or similar, eagerly watched by single men who have a penchant for hard news.

Another one soon…

Should we kill the children or the parents....? Hmmmm

2007-02-16T16:22:00.000Z

After reading Mr G's blog on school holidays I happened to catch his off the cuff remark about Chocolate Straws and i was going to add a comment but i decided a whole new blog needed to be done instead.

Basically all i have to say is that if my children ever even suggest the idea of drinking milk through a chocolate straw they will find very quickly that all their future meals will have to be fed to them in a straw based form.

And dear parents, if you are so totally dominated by the spoiled middle class arrogant bastard spawn that you shat into this world that you have to bow down to their every whim just to avoid another e-number fuelled temper tantrum in the middle of Tescos, (breathe) then i strongly suggest that you stamp your children 'Return to Sender' and post then to the local Social Services office. I hear that they take all sorts now just to hit their adoption targets and ensure the local authority doesn't cut the budget, so no worries eh?

Shortly after that you should arrange to have yourself spayed in some manner so as not to further pollute the human genome with your clearly defunct DNA...

...and thats that.

/rant:off

Of course we're going to fling poo at them....

2007-02-16T16:12:00.000Z

So after spending the last 20 minutes trying to explain to a user why she couldn’t open a Word document on a PC that didn’t have Word installed I realised how very little I actually cared about whether or not this user got her job done.

Then I started to think about how strange it was that the Jammyblog died so quickly once we all lost touch with each other. Perhaps there really is something to the expression out of sight out of mind?

Then I started to think maybe it the monkeys fault? And I’m not just talking about the poo flinging and the HIV!

Recently a fellow blogger sent me this and I must admit I think this guy might be onto something!

Monopoly

2007-02-16T12:55:00.000Z

Out of the frickin' blue the self-confessing, self-abusing baldy man puggs starts to spam mails at us ranting about how we should be posting to the Jammy Blog (I thought it's toes had curled up during the takeover of the hostile Google God - the comment spam's looking good).

Jammy's not been seen since playing script kiddy and ripping code from the web and calling it his own, and as puggs says, kimbo shuffled off this mortal plane to another life on the bottom of the planet and things have gone downhill.

No love.

Which brings me onto my current rant.

Booking your holidays. Woe betide you if you want to book your jollies in the summer, kids are off so they (the travel and tourist industry) can financially take the piss out of you, yes you, the hard working tax-paying short vacationed public, you're being squeezed by the holiday people/airlines/hotels even fuckin' ice-cream vendors just because the kids are off school.

Now this wouldn't be too bad were it not for the fact that it's government sponsored! They'll threaten to bring legal action against you if you take your kids on holiday during the school term!

WTF?!! It's a monopoly!

When was the last time your boss shouted at you that you had to take your holidays at the same time as him else you'd be picking up your P45?

Doesn't happen. (unless you're working for an apprenticeship in the third reich ofc).

Maybe the best way is to make your kids spoilt little shits that always get their own way and are more than willing to rave in a classroom so a brow-beaten no authority teacher has to clear the entire room of kids that actually want to learn, so shitty Johnny can throw furniture about because he's "special needs" (read - too much "magic" E-Number filled orange drink to wash down his chocolate straws). Then when they get excluded from school (after stabbing little pip in the eyes for the 6th time) you can go on holiday whenever you please.

Don't even get me started on plane fuel taxes and BA's baggage charges - I've taken an oath not to fly for holidays now, getting tax-sick, it's sunny (expensive in the school holidays) England for my Jollies from now on.

Quote of the day courtesy of Fight Club.

"We work jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need." QFT!

We're Back

2007-02-16T09:01:00.000Z

We're back...

An even bigger come back than Take That!

We have rallied the Jammy Blog Soldiers and we're on a mission to revive the Jammy Blog. If your reading this, come back soon for funny stories and twisted humor. We've been away for a while but I can assure you we are going to make a huge effort to try and make thing the way they used to be, or, EVEN BETTER!!!

2007-02-15T18:57:00.000Z

I'm totally addicted to this...

Boneless Girl

I think i need some help!

Fuck Google!

2007-02-14T19:32:00.000Z

Sorry just annoyed at the extra effort I had to make to login to a website that hasn’t even made any improvements for the extra money! CORPORATE WHORES!!!!!!

/rant:off

So recently we’ve been letting the side down a little when it comes to the blogging community, the old gang has split and fractured a bit since the good old days or yor when our unique and dynamic comedy styling changed the way people think about the internet. The rot set in when blog founder Jamal left the department to work for the over paid, over funded, over there, SAP whores that dominate the corporate landscape at ‘The Company’. Who could blame our intrepid leader for losing his sense of humor after being surrounded by the living dead for 8 hours a day?

Then the true killing blow came, yours truly decided he had had enough and told ‘The Company’ exactly what it could do with its grossly underpaid job. Despite almost going crazy watching reruns of ‘Open All Hours’ and ‘Porridge’ and wearing my penis down to a nub as I pummeled myself raw to internet pron, I managed to keep my dignity and I’ve never looked back. Needles to say, without their inspirational leader to keep their brain monkeys swinging things started to decline rapidly on the Jammyblog.

Shortly thereafter the third pillar of strength tumbled to the ground as our very own ‘Mr Reliable’ left for sunnier climes. If you’re reading this Kimbo I wish the all the best down there in sunny Oz! If you’re not reading this, then I hate your fucking guts for living in a better county than me, which is (at least according to UK telly) packed with fit birds just like the ones off Home and Away. Bastard!

Then just like a rat leaving a sinking ship, the Grimster decided that he better get out of there before ‘ze Germans’ arrived and made everyone wear lederhosen, one swift exit left later and our patented random word generator (without a firewall) was gone, reducing the overall profanity levels in the department by an impressive 4000%!!

And this Dear Reader, is how the seed of doom were sewn for the Jammyblog, the inspiration was gone, the posts began to dwindle, crowds of former-readers wandered aimlessly through the streets of the worlds major cities, desperately looking for a Word of the Day or something to make them go ‘Hmmmm’.

Life became dull.

But….

….all in not lost Dear Reader, yours truly has sent out the call! Across the land they hear it, echoing across the mountains and the plains into the ears of our former contributors. Like some kind of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen they come, drawn by a primeval need to post random acts of intellectual self harm anonymously on the internet.

The people wait, they can feel the change in the air. Soon THEY will come, soon the battle will be joined and soon they will be free!!

…

Power to the people!!!

2006-12-14T13:22:00.000Z

Right guys, if you're anything like me you'll be sick of taking up the arse from your local Bank Manager everytime you go 1p over your allowed limit on your overdraft or credit card. Or maybe your sick of the bank fucking up your Direct Debits and trying to take out your bills the day before your wages go in instead of the day after like you requested?

WELL REJOICE PEOPLE OF THE UK, THE REVOLUTION IS HERE!!!!!

You can claim back all of the charges that your bank has made against you for the last 6 years, including credit cards, you don't even need to have a record of these charges as the bank must supply a list of them if requested under the UK Data Protection Act (form enclosed in the link).

You can even claim online at www.moneyclaims.gov.uk and so far not one single bank has bothered to try and defend itself. That means that everyone that has claimed has won BY DEFAULT!!!

Some people have won hundreds, even thousands of pounds in illegal charges back into their accounts!

This information is also available at www.penaltycharges.co.uk

Go on, get the lube out and give some back!!

C'mon, you know its true!

2006-10-25T12:04:00.000+01:00

Smack My Bitch Up?

2006-10-21T12:28:00.000+01:00

Here's a tip! If you're going to 'Happy Slap' a young girl in the park while one of your boys films it on his mobile, try not to pick one who's walking with her boyfriend, especially if said boyfriend knows his way around a boxing ring!

2 little bitches get owned!

Today's Fact of the Day

2006-08-29T20:34:00.000+01:00

Todays fact of the Day is that the shape of a pringle is known as hyperbolic paraboloid
Deal with this information as you see fit.

Car Security, the cheap alternative

2006-08-24T12:40:00.000+01:00

OK, so you've got yourself a new motor and it's the dogs danglies.. Then you need to get it insured and BANG.. you get hit with a monster quote because it's a hot hatch and you're under 25 and you live near a town and...and.... well, you get the idea....

"No problem sir, we love younger drivers"... yada yada yada..

"If you have this alarm fitted you get a discount..."

Well, I pah at your alarm.. Why spend a grand on a top of the line alarm and immobiliser just to get 25 quid of your quote when you get yourself one of these rascals for almost nothing and you're away..

Ah! The joy of Photoshop!

2006-07-18T06:35:00.000+01:00

Pugs word of the day

2006-07-12T15:36:00.000+01:00

Nincompoopery

Umpimp Ze Auto

2006-07-12T13:05:00.000+01:00

I know I know, these ain't new by the longest stretch of the imagination, but our resident car pimper is looking at a new upgrade so this prompted me to dig it up again.

VDUB 1

VDUB2

VDUB 3

Tinfoil Hattery...

2006-07-12T12:54:00.000+01:00

It's common knowledge that aliens or the government or something is beaming harmful signals throughout the universe nonstop, 24/7. This is what makes almost everyone mindless hypnoslaves, forced to conform to society's norms. But not you, for you are wisely covering your head with dynamic space-age metal, the only substance known to repel those hypnowaves: tin foil. With your homemade tin foil hat, your brain is safe.

Goto http://www.ericisgreat.com/tinfoilhats/index.html for further details.

NEWSFLASH - Helpdesk really are Super!

2006-07-11T22:59:00.000+01:00

"No Comment" was the only reply to stunning photographic evidence of "alternate lives" being lived out by helpdesk personnel.

Inquiry continues.

Word of the day

2006-07-06T07:31:00.000+01:00

OK, so I'm kinda stealing this from the Grimster.... but listening to Chris Moyles this morning and he was discussing with the team what word they would use to start a book they had written and Dave came out with an absolute belter but had no idea how to put it in context... Anyway I think it should be a word of the day and should be used as much as possible...

Spatula

Halloween idea...

2006-06-21T00:09:00.000+01:00

Found this picture on the interweb while browsing for... er well... i won't say... But this is without a doubt the very best costume i have ever seen, that guy has got some guts...

Bellagio Fountains Recreated with Mentos and Coke

2006-06-05T13:16:00.000+01:00

"What happens when you combine 200 liters of Diet Coke and over 500 Mentos mints? It's amazing and completely insane. The first part of this video demonstrates a simple geyser, and the second part shows just how extreme it can get. Over one hundred jets of soda fly into the air in less than three minutes. It's a hysterical and spectacular mint-powered version of the Bellagio Fountains in Las Vegas."

Things that make you go..hmmmmm....

2006-06-05T07:26:00.000+01:00

C&C Music Factory... 1991...

Things that make you go..hmmmmm....

2006-06-01T12:39:00.000+01:00

Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it begins ringing?

Grim's Word of the Day

2006-05-26T07:35:00.000+01:00

Weetabix...

Things that make you go...Hmmmm...

2006-05-26T07:21:00.000+01:00

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Grim's Word of the Day

2006-05-25T07:35:00.000+01:00

Puppies....

Things that make you go..hmmmmm....

2006-05-24T19:30:00.000+01:00

Do cows have calf muscles?

Grim's Words of the Day!

2006-05-23T20:37:00.000+01:00

Beef and Curtains.......

Dance like...... MC Hammer!!!

2006-05-21T20:19:00.000+01:00

How many of these dance moves have you tried?

Things that make you go..hmmmmm....

2006-05-19T23:46:00.000+01:00

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

Grim's Word of the Day!

2006-05-19T06:43:00.000+01:00

Flaps....

Grim's Word of the Day!

2006-05-17T08:22:00.000+01:00

Hum....

Grim's Word of the Day!

2006-05-16T13:57:00.000+01:00

Amplify.....

Things that make you go..Hmmm....

2006-05-15T20:22:00.000+01:00

What's the difference between fluff and dust?

Puggs Word of the Day...

2006-05-13T23:55:00.000+01:00

MINTYSPLIFF......

Flogging a Dead Horse...

2006-05-12T15:04:00.000+01:00

Ah t'is the season!!! Big Brother will soon return to our screens and my TV will get a well deserved rest. But all is not lost...

A little game I like to play when its BB season is to fake conversations about it in work with various idiots. When I spot a BB conversation going on I drop in with a random comment like 'oh, is that the stuck up bird/fella?' Then you can throw in things like 'Mind you, I like him/her better that the gay/black one' and so on. You're usually safe with stuck up, slaggy, black, gay, northern, environmentalist, mouthy, lazy, fit, transgender and the one who's always getting her tits out.

See how long you can keep it up before they rumble on the fact that you don't watch the show.

New Caption Contest

2006-05-12T02:36:00.000+01:00

OK, OK, I totally forgot about the last caption contest - but his one's a corker.

Best one wins a packet of dry Kimbo greb - come on - impress us with some inventiveness.

Rawrgle! Road Badness

2006-05-12T00:13:00.000+01:00

/rant=ON

OK, it has to be said - PC or not - why the fuck can't women use roundabouts?

The UK has this roundabout fetish - because we drive on the left, you wait until the person coming from the right has passed you then you go - but what the hell - women don't seem to get it.

Manchester is a hive of mini roundabouts - when the council runs out of things to spend our council tax on - it orders speedbumps (to remove any front valance you might have on your vehicle - because they don't like them) and mini fecking roundabouts.

I 50/50 ride a motorcycle or car into work, the bike's OK, but people just pretend not to see you and don't understand that stopping a bike is a fuckload harder than stopping a car - sat behind Ms. Icantuseafeckingroundabout who starts off then stops half way onto the roundabout sucks - but that's another rant. Twice over the last couple of days I have witnessed two seperate women on two seperate roundabouts - sat stationary faffing around not knowing how a fecking roundabout works - and waiting for _anyone_ within 200 yards of the thing to first approach and then use the roundabout.

Don't get me wrong, there's some wicked women drivers out there - my wife for instance who appears to imagine she's one of the drivers in "The Italian Job" is fine behind the wheel.. or am I saying that so I don't get battered? You decide....

On another note...

Sheila's fecking wheels!

Imagine if you will, a bloke an a nationally transmitted advertisement saying:

Well, we all know women are shit drivers - so this is a men only insurance company - we don't want women calling because your driving's shit.

OMGWTFBBQ - they'd be in court before they could say sexual prejudice! WTF is going on - it seems men are now (in the name of PC) becoming the women of yesteryear - wtf happened to "Equality"? I'll be campaigning for "equal" rights whilst stood in the gutter so a peeler won't arrest me next!... probably
/rant=OFF

A real worksafe website..

2006-05-11T23:01:00.000+01:00

Or is it?

http://brad.com/prettybirdsnflowers.jpg

Dare yah!

BUHAHAHA! OK, this is a bit of a cheat judging by Kimbo's last - but what the fuck - it's not a pissing contest...

Not a lot of people know that....

2006-05-11T20:05:00.000+01:00

I'm a self-confessed Eve-Online freak, I've been ingame for more than two and a half years now, but, a new era is dawning in the evolution of things in the form of Titan class ships.

Download from this linky (right click and download as - it's 50 odd meg - beware you sad dial-uppers) - Turn up your speakers for one of the best 2 minutes and 53 seconds of eye-candy ever! Oh - and by the way - yes that's ingame graphics... Yum!

Shameless plug - but so what?

Kickass Linky

2006-05-11T18:47:00.000+01:00

Found this whilst a-trawling - sweet linky.......

Click Meh!

Bum Aspirations..

2006-05-11T16:32:00.000+01:00

So anyway, Jammy get's pissed when I don't post to this thing, so I think today I'll make an effort.. We had an interesting conversation this afternoon in the office in respect of made-up words, usually by non-native English speaking persons, y'know stuff like Maximizeable and Ogglesblonks etc. which once again lead me onto a rant which in turn lead me to making up a silly word and example of it's use in a constructive sentence, this came out as:

"I was hit by a stray round from the cookie gun and got biscuitificated"

Yeah I know, it was a bit of a tumbleweed moment (http://www.prairietumbleweedfarm.com/) (Thanks to the pugmeister for that one - more in a minute).....

So the Pugmeister picks up the link above just after he'd told the crappiest joke of the year this morning, which got me to thinking about stuff like this in general - someone is selling tumbleweeds in Kansas, now, forgive me if I'm wrong - but this is stuff that just floats around anyway right, also puts me in mind of the person in California I think that was selling dessicated dogshit - yeah baby - send your nearest and dearest some canine guano for kicks - but I digress, was thinking about stuff that's free - that I could sell...

I mean sure, you can lie about the origins of something (check out 99.9% of autograph dealers on e-bay) but there's at least a small risk to doing so, even with dogshit you run the risk of catching roundworm and going blind (incidentally - this apparently happens to between 750 and 1500 kids per year - dog owners need to learn that they should clean their pets shit up to be honest - either that or kids shouldn't use dogshit as modeling clay) - so what's foolproof?

There was a guy that used to sell Tesco carrier bags as kites - that kind of thing... no output and little work required, you know the ticket.

Answers on a postcard.

Time for another Worksafe website!

2006-05-09T10:47:00.000+01:00

Can you resist the click of your mouse button???

#6

Beware!!!!